I FOUND IT!

My Christmas spirit. That joy of the Holidays, being around family and friends, I found it! Over the past month I have been through a rush of emotions. Starting Dec. I was thrilled that it was getting close to Christmas! I was hopeful. That feeling quickly turned to sadness, then anger, then bitterness. I know a lot of special families have the same emotions, maybe not all in just a couple of weeks like my crazy head but we all experience emotions and I really think we are entitled to them (except the bitterness, I hate that emotion, I don't think it's human and I hate to admit that I feel it at times!). If you have been around me lately its really not anything you could have missed. I have to admit I'm the person who wears my heart on my sleave. Can't keep anything hidden no matter how hard I try, if I'm angry it comes out, if I'm sad the tears run, and I know that my broken heart was shown all over my face for the past few weeks, I haven't been the easiest person to live with. I'm typically a strong person, one who can endure quite a bit. I'm a realist, I look at the big picture, figure things out and press on. That wasn't me this past month. I caved, I gave in, I allowed the enemy to win. The sadness and reality of rett syndrome got the better of me. Knowing that sweet little angels were finding their way home, and fighting for their life at even younger ages then my Annie was just too much to bear. I found myself looking at people and thinking "what could you possibly be sad about?" (I know, bitter right?). I have to say that the Lord showed me quite a few times that I was not the only one suffering. People who I had know reveiled to me burdons that they were carrying that I didn't know about and I have met others who have had more on their shoulders then most can even dream about. It reminds me of something I read: - the quickest way to forget your troubles is to help other people with theirs - . Through this state of bitterness I held on to that thought and I have tried to pick myself up with it and you know what, it worked!

This week I have found my entire outlook changing. I'm excited for Christmas! And its not because we are in a good place "rett wise" (Annie is actually having a very difficult time right now and same as in previous years she will not be able to tell us what she wants for Christmas, open her gifts on her own or smother us with hugs and kisses after opening her favorite gift). Some how that doesn't matter, some how there is actually something bigger, something that is carrying us through and lifting our spirits. I think it's the fact that we are focusing on things that are more important than us, not dwelling on our problems but instead looking at ways we can help others. That's it, that's the spirt of Christmas! Now if I can only remember that for next year and skip the whole "bitterness bit".

In that spirit of Christmas here is some video I took of James and Gracie at their school Christmas celebrations (Annie unfortunately didn't have a school Christmas party) because there is no way that you can hide a smile while children are singing Christmas carols!