The Uncertainty

This morning I walked into Annie's room and she was already awake with a sweet smile on her face.  She had slept all night long and had gotten her full feeding at night.  Hooray for a beautiful morning.  We got dressed, into the car and dropped the kids off at school - Annie was all smiles and happy noises - so was mom!  We got home and got right to work on a new app that I had put onto the ipad - Annie loved it and was doing fantastic!  After about 15 minutes she got sleepy - time for  her morning nap and my morning workout!  Honestly, could this day BE any more perfect?  Annie wakes up as I'm getting out of the shower and we start working on her stretches - Annie is so happy that now she is laughing out loud and we are just having a fantastic time.  After stretches we get on her braces and hop back in the car to pick up Gracie.  This is where things take a turn.  Out of nowhere Annie starts moaning and grinding her teeth.  I pray that she holds on for just 10 minutes so we can grab Grace and get out of the school before the full screaming fit starts - I know it's coming.  We make it, but the entire car ride back home was Annie screaming and kicking and Grace and I telling her over and over "It's OK Annie, we're almost home".  Annie's fit continues at home, I try to ask her what's wrong but her gaze is turned down, she won't look at her yes/no cards, I'm left to guess.  I go down the insanely long list of issues and give her every sort of comfort I can.  She refuses food, refuses to drink, TV, meds, snuggles, music, nothing calms her.  For my sanity as well as Gracies (and our ear drums) I take Annie upstairs into her bed where she continues to scream, kick and cry for 45 minutes.  When I just can't bear to watch through the monitor any longer I go upstairs scoop her up and take her back to the couch so I can try again to comfort her.  She kicks, screams, writhes in pain, bites, grinds her teeth and eventually calms down, exhausted from the fit, she passes out on the couch in her special spot.

Who could have guessed that such a beautiful morning would have such a terrible afternoon.  The uncertainty of every moment is one of the hardest things to deal with.  The unexplained moments of joy and laugh out loud happiness I'll take, but the unexplained moments of pain and suffering I could do without.  I'm left to wonder what caused the pain, where is the pain, is this really pain?  Although it looks like it maybe it's frustration or sadness?  I really don't have a clue and because I don't have a clue as to what it is there's no way for me to help her through it.  I've said time and time again that I will not let Annie's behavior dictate my attitude but it's much easier said than done.  When she's happy I'm thrilled and when she's in pain I'm in agony.  I'm not sure I'd be a very good mom if I could watch my child suffer and then just shake it off, although there has to be a happy medium here.

As Annie sleeps on the couch I take a much needed mental break and wonder what's in store for the rest of our day, what will she be like when she wakes? How will she feel at dinner and what time will she finally settle down for the night?  Nothing is ever the same, nothing is ever predictable, anything can change at any moment without any notice and there is nothing that I can do about any of it.  Such a hard thing to deal with.  I remind myself that there is no joy without pain, I just wish there was some distance between the two and it wasn't a constant back and forth minute to minute.  I press on knowing that as much as I'm hurting my baby is hurting so much more.  I think of that sweet, precious smile and that infectious giggle and I know that they will return soon and will be even sweeter having gone through the pain.  Annie's birthday is tomorrow, I'm praying her day is filled with so much happiness that the pain can't touch her.

Why Me? Why Not?

It's funny, we started out this journey wondering "why me?", "why us?", "why sweet Annie?" - she was so perfect, so complete - our first baby girl, a little sister, a boy and a girl just a year apart, WOW, were we blessed........ and yet, we didn't quite know it.

Almost 7 years ago when Annie was born we should have thought "why us?" - "Why did you bless us so abundantly Lord?".  Nope, those words were never spoken.  Yes, of course we were thrilled, of course we thanked God for our little family, but we sort of expected kids who could walk and talk.  We thought for sure we would have kids who would have melt downs or who may not have the best of manners, maybe even kids with allergies or other inconveniences, but it never crossed our minds that maybe we would have kids with seizures or g-tubes or orthotics or life threatening conditions.  We never thought that we would need to thank God that our child was breathing - after she turned blue and was raced to the ER over and over  again.  We never thought we would have to thank God that there was a medicine that could stop our daughter from hyperventilating because she was passing out so much from lack of oxygen and dehydration.  Never did we think that we would have to praise God each and every morning just because He graced us with another day with our sweet daughter.  When holding our little newborn angel we just thanked God that He had "delivered" - He gave us exactly what we wanted and expected - a healthy baby girl.  We never questioned it, we just thanked Him.

Boy were we nieve.  The sicknesses came, the development became delayed, the testing started and we became desperate.  We started begging and pleading with God - please, let this be an easy fix.  Please let this be a season, not a lifetime.  Please God let there be medicine that can help her.  We want, want, want, and expect, expect, expect.  What happens when we don't get what we expect to have?  When what we pray and plead for is something that is so natural and easy and expected for everyone else that its taken for granted?

We never ask "why me?" when good things happen but we are so quick to ask "why me" when bad things come into our life.  Why?  Are we so selfish that we think we deserve everything to be handed to us?  Do we honestly think that we are so divine that bad things can't touch us?  I don't know why God chooses certain people to give a "wake up" call to.  I don't know why He chose me, my family, my Annie, but I do know that I have been given an amazing gift.  A gift that I will always be thankful for, a gift that I will NEVER take for granted.  I have a child who is unable to do 1 single thing for herself, a child that is so helpless that every single aspect of her daily living has to be conducted for her.  So many things that are typically taken for granted I now praise God for.

I try not to ask the dark "why me" question but when days get rough I admit, I do go there.  The majority of my days, however, are spent asking God "why me?  Why did you bless me so abundantly" and you better believe I praise God every single morning my children wake just because they are breathing and thriving.

Job 2:10  "What?  Shall we recieve good at the hand of God, and shall we not recieve evil?"

It is in this same "why me Lord" attitude that we read the following research.

http://rettsyndrome.wordpress.com/2011/12/22/the-x-factor/

I honestly cannot believe that God has blessed us with such amazing research and has brought us so close to a cure for our Annie.  I know that she may not be cured in this lifetime, that only God knows when, exactly, He will grace us with her ability to walk, talk, and voice her opinions, thoughts and her dreams but I do know that I will continue to ask God "why me?  Why us?  Why Rett Syndrome? Why have you decided to bring THIS disease so close to a cure?" and in a perfect time I will ask "Why did you choose to bless MY families life with such an amazing miraculous cure?".  Until then I will continue to praise Him for what I do have - and that is far too much.  Happy New Year friends!

Truth in the Tinsel

One of my favorite things about homeschooling is looking around through blogs of other home schooling moms.  I am not a very creative person so I LOVE when other's post about a really great craft or a fun, creative way of teaching so I can take the idea and use it with my own kiddos - weather its teaching Annie something new or just having some fun with all 3 of them.  This is exactly what I was doing last week over at 1+1+1=1 when I was reading about Truth in Tinsel - An Advent Experience for Little Hands.  The name intrigued me because I am always looking for ways to steer my kids in the direction of Jesus at Christmas time and away from Santa and presents.  So, I dug a little deeper and LOVED what I saw.

The book starts on Dec. 1 and runs through Dec. 24.  Each day consists of 5 parts: The first part is a clue, the second is a scripture verse, the third is an ornament craft, the fourth is a discussion and the fifth is extras. Through this advent experience our family will go through the whole story of how God gave us His very own Son - the most amazing story ever told!  The book is incredibly organized and detailed.  It's an ebook so there are hyperlinks to the scriptures and all the templates for the crafts are right there on your desktop.  I've looked at a few of the ornaments and have already come up with ways to adapt them for Annie, not to mention all the opportunities we will have to use her computer to communicate about our lesson.  I've already decided that instead of having the kids read the "clue" for the day I will have Annie say the clue with her computer.  I'm so excited to start this tradition with my kids.  I think we will start by buying a small tree to set up in the basement that we can fill with all the ornaments we make.  I encourage you to check it out here: Special Black Friday price is only $2.99!  But don't worry, if you miss that price the regular price is just $4.99!  

Home Schooling

I'm thrilled to report that home schooling Annie is going GREAT!  We are both still alive and well :)  Seriously though, I'm actually quite shocked to say that things are going so well.  I've had homeschooling on my heart for years but I don't trust my heart, I'm a total control freak and I was really doubting that this whole home schooling thing was just something else I could control.  While that may be true to some degree, it is also very true that Annie's school setting was incredibly unhealthy (a recap here).  So, the homeschooling bit won out and I'm so happy that it did.

Annie and I are enjoying a much more relaxed atmosphere and the entire family is enjoying a much happier, calmer household.  I can't tell you how liberating it is to not have to research, gather professionals, and meet to battle the school for Annie's basic human needs (which was happening almost weekly).  To not have to beg someone or spend the money on an advocate or lawyer to get someone to help Annie go to the bathroom, eat with her peers or .... "gasp"..... spend some time in a gen ed classroom - is not only an enormous chunk of anxiety lifted off of our shoulders but also a very large cost savings for us.

The BEST news - Annie is flourishing!  Our family has seen a much happier Annie and screaming fits are at an all time low.  Everyone around her has seen a difference, her "buddy" for bible school has noticed a huge change in her social activity and a much better engagement of her surroundings and art projects that wasn't really there before.  I attribute a lot of this to her now being surrounded by people who believe in her, people who believe she is an intelligent little 6 1/2 year old girl trapped inside a body that doesn't work.
                                    
Recently I have come across 2 awesome things that describe Annie to a T.  The first is the picture above and the second is a quote from an article that I recently read about Maisy, a little girl battling rett syndrome: "Information is taken in normally, researchers say, but it can’t come out".  Information is taken in normally - normally, did you read that?  Normally!  That was always the point I was tying to make with people in education.  All of her teachers, therapists, social workers, even her advocates wanted to get it through to me that Annie doesn't learn like typical children learn and that is simply NOT the case.  This amazing child is taking everything in, she has been learning everything the typical way that any other kid does for her entire life.  The challenging part is to get it OUT but it IS going IN!  No special teacher, special curriculum needed - solid proof for full-inclusion that was denied to us year after year.  My heart aches - not for Annie, she is in a better place, she had a family that believed in her and had the resources to home school her - my heart aches for the kids who are being told they "can't" over and over and over.  The kids that are told they have no business being with other kids their age because they have nothing to contribute.  The children who are denied augmentative communication systems because the school feels that it will be wasted on them.  My heart aches for these kids.  I imagine they stay strong for a few years and then they start to give up.  If there wasn't a cognitive disorder to begin with on will certainly be created in these very intelligent children that have bodies that don't work.  What a shame, what a waste, what narrow minded people we can be.  


I'm not only pointing the finger at people in our district, but also at myself.  I believe in Annie 100% but she has never been formally taught many things so when I started home schooling her we started at a pretty basic preschool/kindergarten level.  We started using a wonderful program that we found online called "Ready2Read" By Annie Moffat.  I saw this online and instantly thought - this is GREAT!  Colorful, easy to adapt - perfect to teach Annie how to read. 


It took us a few weeks in September to actually get down to business, we were busy getting James and Grace settled and then just enjoying some calm time and trying to figure out a schedule - when would be best to learn (turns out Annie likes to relax and nap all morning, come 11am she is good to go).   But once we got going it was clear that Annie already knew what I was teaching her.  I worked very slowly, the 1 week lesson I stretched into 2 weeks and I went over and over words believing that insesant repetition would be the key to Annie learning.  Until one day Annie was irritated, looked at her computer and told me "easy" "slow".  I realized then that I was just like the public school I pulled her from.  I was using my own doubting and quizing over and over to make sure that Annie knew what I was teaching when all the while she was telling me to move on.  Sooo, that's what we've done, we have moved on.
  
Annie has gotten through 3 lessons in the Ready2Read curriculum and has continued to be restless, so the other day I pulled out a random stack of sight word flash cards, we hadn't worked on these before but she was asking for something more challenging - to my surprise Annie got 10 out of 10 right!  Clearly she knew these words.  I moved on to addition (we have worked so hard on literacy that I didn't give a second thought to other subjects so we hadn't gone through these either) turns out Annie knows how to add!  Smart girl!  Smarter than I gave her credit for.  


Well, lesson learned!  From now on I will be stepping it up with our bright little student.  Despite the illnesses that have plagued Annie already this season, our next move is to see if Annie is, in fact, already able to read - and why wouldn't she?  James started reading when he was just 3 years old, who's to say Annie didn't follow suit?  I will keep you all posted to see how she does!  And of course I will be writing more about what curriculums we are choosing and how we are able to test Annie on all that she knows and is capable of learning.  


The smartest of minds could be hidden in a child without a voice stuck in a wheelchair.  If we don't help get that information out we will be missing out on something extraordinary.  

It's Been a Week!

It started Monday, there was no school!  The kids were excited to wake up, watch cartoons and then have friends over.  James, Grace and Annie had a blast!  And I was thankful to have some time to get some stuff done that I was putting off to the side.  Monday ended with family game night at which time Annie started throwing a fit.  This is typical so we tried to calm her, laid her on the couch and assumed she was just tired.  That night Annie slept all night which is NOT typical but when it DOES happen we don't complain and take it as a blessing.  Tuesday she woke late (7am) and I didn't get into her room right away, instead I got myself ready as I watched her through the monitor -I heard a funny sound, looked at the monitor and knew instantly that she was throwing up - this is NOT unusual.  Oh boy, now we'll be late, I yelled down to James that he would have to make his and Gracie's breakfast, get himself packed and get shoes and socks on while I gave Annie a bath (Let me just take a second and thank God for my wonderful, independent, easy going, responsible Jamesy!). 

So, Annie gets a bath, we gather everyone into the car and are off to school by 7:45.  I thought it was a little odd that Annie wasn't screaming, squaking or vocalizing super loudly as she usually does but again, I was counting the calm, quiet drive as a blessing.  That is, until, Annie threw up again.  Ugg, alright, I thought, hopefully my dad can take Grace to school, I'll drop her off after I drop James off.

With James and Grace succesfully dropped off I took Annie home, on the way she threw up again.  We got home and first thing I did was put her back into the tub and got her dressed into some comfy Pj's - she'll be spending some time watching movies for sure.  After the bath I got Annie all settled into her comfy spot on the couch with her heated blanket - instantly she was asleep.  "Great" I thought "I'll wash Annie's sheets and get a workout in and then I'll be able to spend the day snuggling with my little girl".  At that moment Annie started throwing up again (glad I put down those towels).  I ran to her, got her limp body into a position so she wouldn't aspirate as she was throwing up and realized, wow, she's REALLY sick.  I threw the laundry in, got Annie some new towels and grabbed the ringing phone - it was my dad, apparently Grace didn't have school today - hmmmm, time to shine up that  "Mother of the Year award".
So my dad drops off sweet Gracie and as I'm in the driveway getting her into the house a car pulls up - "Oh Crap! Totally forgot that Annie's social worker was supposed to come by for her monthly visit". So, I give her the run down and she's fine with coming in the house and braving the airborne germs that may be lingering.  As we are chatting I hear Annie crying, loudly - I run to her side and realize she's crying with her eyes closed - that's weird but really, not that weird - Annie DOES have Rett Syndrome and what would be unthinkable for my typical kiddos is sometimes status quo for Annie.  We go on with our meeting, Annie goes on crying, I ask our social worker (who is a seasoned mommy of 5 with 1 Down Syndrome sweetie) if she thinks this is something that I should be more concerned about, she turns it back on me, feeling confident in my mothers instinct (apparently she didn't see that the mothers award is in the shop being polished).
Immediatly after our social worker leaves Annie throws up again but this time she doesn't even wake up.  OK, now THIS is really weird.  I clean her up only to realize that now she has diarrhea and is still not waking.  I do the thing I always do when I'm freaked out, I call for the second opinion - AKA - Daddy!  Scott says that I should trust my instincts but keep him posted (honestly, doesn't he realize that a call to him means HE needs to make the decision - YES, I realize he has no idea what's going on because he is not here!).  So, I clean Annie up once again, realize Gracie needs to eat lunch (thankfully Gracie follows suit with her big brother and thinks its "fun" to make her own meal) so she prepares her lunch while I throw in another load of laundry and run back up the stairs to pick Annie up who is now completely lifeless and dry heaving without waking, and then, it happens - her eyes POP open and dart to the left, but I can't seem to get her to respond to me, I call her name, shake her, move her face "oh God, this is a seizure".  I wonder if I'm over reacting so of course, I call Scott - he tells me, "hang up and call 911".  I hang up, Annie is now limp and falling asleep, she is breathing and seems to be a bit better but not out of the woods.  Ok, I thought, peds are out to lunch so maybe I should take her to the ER.  I call Scott AGAIN and he says he's already in route on the way home.  When he gets home he takes one look at the little pile of Annie on the couch and says she needs to go to the peds -Yep, I know, however they are closed for lunch right now or else I would have taken her there instead of suggesing the ER.  So, we wait until lunch is over, call and get into the peds - Annie is now so limp and lifeless, she continues to throw up without waking.  We get her into the car and decide she can't even sit in her wheel chair, she's so limp Scott needs to carry her.  Annie's doc comes in and all of a sudden she does the wake up, look to the left but not respond "seizure" thing again.  Our ped says - lets run a pulse OX but I'm afraid you will need to head to Beaumont ER.  We of course do, all the while Annie is still asleep and dry heaving.  We drop Grace off with my mom and head to the ER.
As we walk into the Beaumnot ER  I assume we are there for some IV fluids and just a watch but things quickly turn when I look at our slip and we by pass triage and are written as "Urgent".  I assume this is because of her "chair", people always get bent out of shape when they see a special needs kiddo.  There aren't any beds so we are in the hall for a very short time, the nurses get our history and we are quickly put into the next available "room".  We tell the docs the story and realize, it's now 4pm and Annie is STILL not awake or arrousable, it's obvious the doctors are VERY concerned, they come in to take more info and Annie does it again, she opens her eyes, looks to the left and is unresponsive except now she is twitching..... hard - we tell the docs, "this is what's bothering us" but they are steps ahead of us and have an enteroge in the room in split seconds, giving meds and preping for a spinal tap, they fear Annie has meingitis.  They tell us that was a definate seizure and with the quick onset of symptoms and the inability to awake Annie they are deeply concerned, they have already checked her for the basics and are now concerned that she has meningitis, encephalitis or worse.  They ask if we would consent to a spinal tap.  Scott and I are shocked (we are well aware that most kiddos with Rett Syndrome have seizures so when they happened we thought "well, she DOES have rett"), we ask about pain but we're told that since Annie is unresponsive they don't want to give her further meds to sedate her, we agree to the spinal and to our shock Annie barely flinches, she opens her eyes for seconds but otherwise doesn't really respond.  Then we're moved to the PICU.
We are reequainted with the PICU and introduced to a fantastic nurse.  We settle in for the night realizing that we aren't going anywhere anytime soon.  Annie is now on an IV for rehydration and antibiotics.  Annie sleeps all night long which is NOT like her at all.  The next day she crabs a bit and opens her eyes but just briefly, we and the hospital staff, continue to be very concerned with her behavior.  Tests start coming back and of course there are no answers, everything comes back negative and there is seemingly no cause to Annie's sickness.

sweet Annie opens her eyes.

A quick 40 minute EEG was performed to make sure that Annie wasn't having any more seizures.  As time ticked on Annie got better and better, she became more and more alert and by evening this is what we saw: 

We stayed put for one more night and by Thursday morning it was clear that Annie was completely better.  
We got out of the room and headed to the Children's play area in the hospital.

can you tell that Beaumont has a FANTASTIC playroom?

Our nurse actually came into the play area to let us know that the EEG came back clear and we would be able to leave!  Hooray!  No actual cause was found for Annie's sickness, the thought is that she had some sort of GI virus that hit her fragile body so hard that it caused her to have seizures.  We were sent home with emergency seizure medication and were told that 1 of 3 things would happen - 1. this is the start of seizures for Annie, the vast majority of girls with rett syndrome experience seizures on a regular basis so it's likely this may be the case for Annie.  2. She will be more suseptible to seizures when she is sick. or 3. this was a one time, harsh reaction to terrible virus that came on quickly.  We are choosing to believe #3

A HUGE thank you to every single person at Beaumont Royal Oak.  They took such great care of our sweet little Annie and Scott and I as well.  It's a blessing to know that if, God forbid, we ever need to return to the hospital we will do so with piece of mind that we are in the very best of hands.

This experience has once again reminded me that as much as I want this beautiful little angel, Annie has never and will never be mine.  She belongs to Him.  I am just the person who has the privledge of  loving her and caring for her but I have no control over what happens to her.  God has a perfect plan for her life and she is safely wrapped in His hands.  He will work ALL things for good.  I will continue to fight for her, send her to the very best of doctors, and take the best care of her that I know how but I am also learning how to put my trust in Him.  "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11

Quest for a Cure is here again!

Hi Friends!  I'd like to extend an invitation to all of you to our second annual Quest for a Cure 1K walk and family fun day at Inglenook Park in Southfield!  The day will consist of a short walk and then lots of fun for the kids with face painting, balloon animals, pumpkin painting and TONS of food, then some great raffles and prizes for the adults.  There is NO FEE for coming out for the day, bring all the kids and show your support with a donation of any size. 

As most of you know, Annie was diagnosed with Rett Syndrome at just 16 months old.  We watched in agony as it took away her ability to stand, crawl, walk, speak and feed herself.  It was devastating.  Our beautiful, smart little girl became trapped inside her body.

However, there is now HOPE!  Researchers have proven that Rett is REVERSABLE!  It is poised to be the FIRST childhood neurological disease to be CURED!

You can help make this a reality!  Join us for a 1K walk and family fun day as we raise money for research that will one day cure Annie and hundreds of thousands of girls and women worldwide who are suffering daily with Rett Syndrome.

We hope we can count on you to help us in our fight to rescue our daughter from this horrible disease.

If you are unable to attend but would like to support our efforts, donations can be made in Annie's honor online: www.questforacure.net  

Thank you, thank you for your continued support of our Annie and our family.  Stay tuned to this blog for excited research updates which are sure to be forthcoming and of course updates on our champion, Annie!  Your love, support and generosity mean more to us than we could ever express!  

Careful what you wish for

Every year for the past 3 years we have gone to Kalahari Water Park.  It started out as Scott having a very rare day off three years ago and us finding a way of avoiding a day of "fixing up the house".  My friend had facebooked about having an awesome time at a waterpark - I emailed her that morning to find out where she went and we had reservations and were on our way to the indoor/outdoor waterpark resort just a couple hours later.  Needless to say we LOVED it!  More importantly, the kids Loved it, and even more importantly, so did Annie!  Woooo Hooo! Score!  This was fun for the whole family!  So the next year we booked without hesitation and asked lots of family to come join us!  Thankfully, they DID!  Even MORE fun!  This year, with the economy and some extra expenses not budgeted for, we didn't think we would be able to swing our 1 night away with the family.  In the end, we did, and let me say that we are so very happy that we were able to do that.  Our kids had a blast!  And Annie, true to form, did too - once she was acclimated of course.

We got there at about 2pm on a rainy Saturday.  Annie, having had a very pleasant drive with us, decided that she was NOT happy to be in this place.  So, as Scott and the kids got all the bags from the car and got dressed into their bathing suits I sat with Annie trying to settle her down praying that God would help Annie calm down and that she would have a happy time while we were on vacation.  When Annie is happy, the family is happy!  So, as Annie settled into a nap I sort of day dreamed away at an easier life.  I saw sweet Annie having a blast running through the waterpark with her little sister, free from the debilitation of Rett Syndrome - screaming "watch me mommy, watch me!'.  I saw my Annie running up the stairs with her brother on their way up to the waterslides to ride on together and then scarfing down pizza (feeding herself!) and asking for snacks and juice boxes.  What a blessing those day dreams were, although they left me quite sad when I woke, wanting so badly for my Annie to get her independence back.

The next day and a half left us with a sweet, happy, content Annie!  A blessing and an answer to prayer for sure!  But then again, this was the first year that we heard from James, longing for his sister (just 15 months younger and now 42 inches tall) to come on the rides with him.  He asked over and over and over again.  "Annie's 42 inches, can she come on this ride with me?"  "Annie's tall enough now, why can't she ride this with me?"  "I can help Annie get on this floaty why can't she come on with me?". Oh God how I wished I could take my prayers back.  I didn't want my content Annie anymore, surely if she was screaming and unhappy James wouldn't have longed to be with her.  But no, I prayed for content and content was what I was given.  Lord help us in what we pray for.  What a lesson.  The night rolled on and we had some amazing times as a family, swimming, playing, having fun.

Kalahari has this amazing restaurant that just honors kids and their need to be the center of attention.  They have a nice big stage and a DJ that runs lots of fun games with prizes and when the games aren't going on the kids get to DANCE on the stage!  Um, can we say "Gracie's  favorite place?"!  This year we got to the restaurant late so we had to sit a little far back and Grace was less than thrilled heading up to the stage "solo" so far from her family at the table.  I decided I would be her tiny cheering section and walked up to the stage with her, squating between 2 tables while she danced to her hearts content.  To my dismay Gracie walked onto the stage very shyly, didn't dance and walked back down to whisper in my ear "do you think Annie could come up and dance with me?"

James and Grace are being hit with the giant water bucket!

 James doing a little rock climbing.

 Scott and Grace!  I love that they are complementary opposites! 

 Scotty zip lining

 Gracie riding Ollie, the camel

 sweet little Lulu, napping

 James and Gracie brining us lunch!  

 Jamesy zip lining

 James with the Rhino!

 Sott and Annie

 James and Grace dancing at our dinner table.  

It's as though my sweet day dreams while Annie was resting calmly in my arms had turned into nightmares  All that I had asked for "Annie to be content and happy" had opened the flood gates of "what could have been".  Don't get me wrong, we had a fabulous time, but I couldn't shake the fact that Annie is getting older and the older she gets the more her sister and brother need her and the less I can take the place of James's "fearless younger sister" or Gracie's "partner in crime".  God how I hate having to let go and allow my kids to experience the pain of Rett Syndrome.  I have to feel it, but I can deal.  Annie has to live it but I can remain stead fast in fighting for her.  James and Grace, God help me, how do I help them walk this walk?  Lord, give these kids a heart to keep loving and believing in their sister.  No matter how long it takes for a cure to be found.